We are all born wild and free. But we must make real
our freedom in this sleeping world. We must make
our dreams tangible.We must pursue the path
our heart directs us on. And light the way with
a passion that can burn the stars. We must follow the
winds of our soul even to the ends of the earth.
We must if anything always be true to ourselves.
Wherever we find ourselves, we must always be true.
-S.C Lourie-
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Sunday, 3 November 2013
That day
That day.
I remembered... I experienced it again... I felt it... a pain from deep inside rising up with each breath taken...long forgotten and hidden pain bursting up to the surface. Body constricting from the memory, unconsolable sobbing. The incredible sadness of a little girl letting the pain roar through her body.
It should have come out then, when I was 12, but it didn't. Instead, I pushed back at the pain, after everything it was too much for me to bear. I fought it with every thing I had - I did not want to feel this hurt. I buried it deep below the surface. I vowed I would never allow myself to feel this kind of pain again.
I stopped feeling that day. I closed myself to life, I disappeared... that day. Not even a teenager yet, and already the decision was made. We will not feel again.
Life as we knew it changed forever. My late dad, who was a geologist, had been crushed, nearly to death, underground by a ton rock. He survived, but life wasn't the same again.
I was asked to fast forward to a time when things were better, but I couldn't recall a time... things never got better. Things were never right for the family again.
Sitting in the passenger seat, driving back from the hospital one day hearing the song "I don't wanna dance" by Eddy Grant caused my eyes to well with tears. Thinking that my dad couldn't dance if he wanted to - I quickly blinked them away - no use for tears right now. Thinking how is my mom going to survive this? My mom needs us to be strong. I needed me to be strong.
"I don't wanna dance, dance with you baby no more, I never do something to hurt you though, although the feeling is bad, the feeling is bad"... "I know it's only superstition baby but I won't look back, even though I feel your music baby that is that"...
And with that I put the pain behind me.
I remembered... I experienced it again... I felt it... a pain from deep inside rising up with each breath taken...long forgotten and hidden pain bursting up to the surface. Body constricting from the memory, unconsolable sobbing. The incredible sadness of a little girl letting the pain roar through her body.
It should have come out then, when I was 12, but it didn't. Instead, I pushed back at the pain, after everything it was too much for me to bear. I fought it with every thing I had - I did not want to feel this hurt. I buried it deep below the surface. I vowed I would never allow myself to feel this kind of pain again.
I stopped feeling that day. I closed myself to life, I disappeared... that day. Not even a teenager yet, and already the decision was made. We will not feel again.
Life as we knew it changed forever. My late dad, who was a geologist, had been crushed, nearly to death, underground by a ton rock. He survived, but life wasn't the same again.
I was asked to fast forward to a time when things were better, but I couldn't recall a time... things never got better. Things were never right for the family again.
Sitting in the passenger seat, driving back from the hospital one day hearing the song "I don't wanna dance" by Eddy Grant caused my eyes to well with tears. Thinking that my dad couldn't dance if he wanted to - I quickly blinked them away - no use for tears right now. Thinking how is my mom going to survive this? My mom needs us to be strong. I needed me to be strong.
"I don't wanna dance, dance with you baby no more, I never do something to hurt you though, although the feeling is bad, the feeling is bad"... "I know it's only superstition baby but I won't look back, even though I feel your music baby that is that"...
And with that I put the pain behind me.
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