I have moved my blog to here:
https://wholeheartedcourage.wordpress.com/
You are welcome to join me there.
Thanks!
Sunday, 5 October 2014
Sunday, 31 August 2014
I dreamed I smelled the past
The smell... that suffocating sickening smell of stale cigarettes - I don't dare to breathe it in - my insides revolt.
This is how my dad used to smell, the stale smell and alcohol - seeping out the pores of his body, I think. The smell of aftershave not very effective at covering it up. I think it made it worse.
Sniff, sniff... upon awakening I swear I could smell the lingering smell. Sniff, sniff - no, it was a dream.
A dream that felt so real. My dad is no longer with us but it felt like I had just had a long, intense discussion with him.
I remember I asked him, "what did I need to learn from you, what did you have to teach me?"... and he said "compassion"... "But I have compassion" I answered.... because I do - in fact, I think I have too much compassion...
"No" he replied, "not for other people, but compassion for yourself"...
Huh. ok, lemme think about it.
This is how my dad used to smell, the stale smell and alcohol - seeping out the pores of his body, I think. The smell of aftershave not very effective at covering it up. I think it made it worse.
Sniff, sniff... upon awakening I swear I could smell the lingering smell. Sniff, sniff - no, it was a dream.
A dream that felt so real. My dad is no longer with us but it felt like I had just had a long, intense discussion with him.
I remember I asked him, "what did I need to learn from you, what did you have to teach me?"... and he said "compassion"... "But I have compassion" I answered.... because I do - in fact, I think I have too much compassion...
"No" he replied, "not for other people, but compassion for yourself"...
Huh. ok, lemme think about it.
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
The unkown path
I haven't written in a while, have been so busy planning for my wedding that there was no time for anything else. The wedding and honeymoon is now over (everything was so perfect!), I have an awesome new surname, and life is returning to ... normal... whatever that may be.
I've been itching to get round to some parts in my life that have been put on hold over the last half a year (see wedding mentioned above)...
Lately, I've had this intense urge within to scale/slow my life down. (I know, I don't even have kids yet and I'm talking about downsizing...) To relieve myself of a constant feeling of pressure to get things done (self inflicted, all of it). Things have spiralled out of control the last couple of years and I'm calling time out.
It seems at some point in my life I decided that in order to be successful I needed to work myself to a standstill. The more things I had going on in my calendar, the better. I used to get a sense of satisfaction filling my diary with appointments and socials. I was a successful contributing member to the working people in Joburg. I was finally part of this. (of what is another story). I looked and felt good being busy, I felt important and needed driving home at 1:30am after working a full day and night (slave much?). I was part of the wheels... I have trusts, properties, investments, policies. I attended seminars and conferences, learnt how to administer trusts, was a trustee for a sectional title assisting in a legal case, own my own car, my own house - all important stuff right?...mmm
I was in control, strong and coping. Or so I thought. I wasn't. It took a series of panic attacks during the spring of 2010 to make me sit up and take note of what was going on. They came out of the blue and I embarked on a journey of anxiety and healing that I had not expected to take. Things have changed a lot, I'm still changing things, I'm still on the journey, I still have lingering anxiety. The difference with the anxiety now is that I'm aware of it, it's not always there, and when it comes I allow it to be. When I feel the all too familiar wrench in the gut (that I thought was normal), I know something has gone off kilter and that I need to stop and ask myself what's really going on. I'm not sure exactly where the path will take me, but for the first time, the path is becoming a little clearer, even if it's just a few steps ahead at a time.
This month I'm selling my flat. My very first flat I owned by myself. I felt like a princess in this flat, it was the first time I lived by myself. I spent many an awesome night just by myself with my favourite music playing late into the night. I've owned it for 8 years, lived there for 3 years and rented it out the rest of the time, it's been a good investment. The flat is in a trust, which means admin (not my strongest point). If I let the flat go, the admin can go along with it. I'm very excited about this, it's bittersweet. There is no doubt though that this is the right action for me to take now.
I've been itching to get round to some parts in my life that have been put on hold over the last half a year (see wedding mentioned above)...
Lately, I've had this intense urge within to scale/slow my life down. (I know, I don't even have kids yet and I'm talking about downsizing...) To relieve myself of a constant feeling of pressure to get things done (self inflicted, all of it). Things have spiralled out of control the last couple of years and I'm calling time out.
It seems at some point in my life I decided that in order to be successful I needed to work myself to a standstill. The more things I had going on in my calendar, the better. I used to get a sense of satisfaction filling my diary with appointments and socials. I was a successful contributing member to the working people in Joburg. I was finally part of this. (of what is another story). I looked and felt good being busy, I felt important and needed driving home at 1:30am after working a full day and night (slave much?). I was part of the wheels... I have trusts, properties, investments, policies. I attended seminars and conferences, learnt how to administer trusts, was a trustee for a sectional title assisting in a legal case, own my own car, my own house - all important stuff right?...mmm
I was in control, strong and coping. Or so I thought. I wasn't. It took a series of panic attacks during the spring of 2010 to make me sit up and take note of what was going on. They came out of the blue and I embarked on a journey of anxiety and healing that I had not expected to take. Things have changed a lot, I'm still changing things, I'm still on the journey, I still have lingering anxiety. The difference with the anxiety now is that I'm aware of it, it's not always there, and when it comes I allow it to be. When I feel the all too familiar wrench in the gut (that I thought was normal), I know something has gone off kilter and that I need to stop and ask myself what's really going on. I'm not sure exactly where the path will take me, but for the first time, the path is becoming a little clearer, even if it's just a few steps ahead at a time.
This month I'm selling my flat. My very first flat I owned by myself. I felt like a princess in this flat, it was the first time I lived by myself. I spent many an awesome night just by myself with my favourite music playing late into the night. I've owned it for 8 years, lived there for 3 years and rented it out the rest of the time, it's been a good investment. The flat is in a trust, which means admin (not my strongest point). If I let the flat go, the admin can go along with it. I'm very excited about this, it's bittersweet. There is no doubt though that this is the right action for me to take now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)