New blog address

I have moved my blog to here:

https://wholeheartedcourage.wordpress.com/

You are welcome to join me there.

Thanks!

I dreamed I smelled the past

The smell... that suffocating sickening smell of stale cigarettes - I don't dare to breathe it in - my insides revolt.

This is how my dad used to smell, the stale smell and alcohol - seeping out the pores of his body, I think.  The smell of aftershave not very effective at covering it up.  I think it made it worse.

Sniff, sniff... upon awakening I swear I could smell the lingering smell.  Sniff, sniff - no, it was a dream.

A dream that felt so real.  My dad is no longer with us but it felt like I had just had a long, intense discussion with him. 

I remember I asked him, "what did I need to learn from you, what did you have to teach me?"... and he said "compassion"...  "But I have compassion" I answered.... because I do - in fact, I think I have too much compassion...

"No" he replied, "not for other people, but compassion for yourself"...

Huh. ok, lemme think about it.

The unkown path

I haven't written in a while, have been so busy planning for my wedding that there was no time for anything else.  The wedding and honeymoon is now over (everything was so perfect!), I have an awesome new surname, and life is returning to ... normal... whatever that may be.

I've been itching to get round to some parts in my life that have been put on hold over the last half a year (see wedding mentioned above)...

Lately, I've had this intense urge within to scale/slow my life down. (I know, I don't even have kids yet and I'm talking about downsizing...) To relieve myself of a constant feeling of pressure to get things done (self inflicted, all of it).  Things have spiralled out of control the last couple of years and I'm calling time out.  

It seems at some point in my life I decided that in order to be successful I needed to work myself to a standstill.  The more things I had going on in my calendar, the better. I used to get a sense of satisfaction filling my diary with appointments and socials.  I was a successful contributing member to the working people in Joburg. I was finally part of this. (of what is another story).  I looked and felt good being busy, I felt important and needed driving home at 1:30am after working a full day and night (slave much?).  I was part of the wheels...  I have trusts, properties, investments, policies. I attended seminars and conferences, learnt how to administer trusts, was a trustee for a sectional title assisting in a legal case, own my own car,  my own house - all important stuff right?...mmm

I was in control, strong and coping. Or so I thought.  I wasn't.  It took a series of panic attacks during the spring of 2010 to make me sit up and take note of what was going on.  They came out of the blue and I embarked on a journey of anxiety and healing that I had not expected to take.  Things have changed a lot, I'm still changing things, I'm still on the journey, I still have lingering anxiety.  The difference with the anxiety now is that I'm aware of it, it's not always there, and when it comes I allow it to be.  When I feel the all too familiar wrench in the gut (that I thought was normal), I know something has gone off kilter and that I need to stop and ask myself what's really going on. I'm not sure exactly where the path will take me, but for the first time, the path is becoming a little clearer, even if it's just a few steps ahead at a time.

This month I'm selling my flat.  My very first flat I owned by myself.  I felt like a princess in this flat, it was the first time I lived by myself.  I spent many an awesome night just by myself with my favourite music playing late into the night.  I've owned it for 8 years, lived there for 3 years and rented it out the rest of the time, it's been a good investment.  The flat is in a trust, which means admin (not my strongest point).  If I let the flat go, the admin can go along with it.  I'm very excited about this, it's bittersweet.  There is no doubt though that this is the right action for me to take now. 

Peace

Peace

What a profoundly powerful word this is.  Peace … it is so much more than silence after the noise, more than a peace sign around ones neck or represented by a time gone by with hippies, VW beetles and flower power.  More than rainbows, white doves and flashing peace signs while posing for photos in exotic locations. 

Peace is more than this, but what is peace?

I’m not sure how to explain it… I don’t think that you can know peace until you have experienced it.  Until you have felt a deep, deep sense of what can only be described as peace – you will know it when you feel it. 

The word Peace, to me,  used to mean quiet… you know as in “run along now and leave us in peace and quiet”… And yes, it does mean that, but it means so much more as well..  Peace is not only the absence of external noise.  Peace, to me, is a feeling.  Yes, it is an absence of the inner chatter, conflict and noise of the mind, but not only this.  As much as it is a quieting down of the mind, it is also a feeling. A sense that everything is ok – this does not come from the mind but rather from a feeling, a feeling radiating from the heart space.

Peace is the absence of the clenching of the gut, or a racing heart, or ice cold rush of unexpected adrenalin - in response to a thought or a situation.  The absence of the fear that can grip you when there is something within you that threatens to erupt that you are afraid of facing.  When your head and your heart are at war with each other…  Your heart desperately trying to bring to the surface what it knows needs to be felt – your head in denial that anything might be wrong, stubbornly refusing to look that way, needing to be strong but desperately afraid of the pain that may come out should it give space for the heart to be heard.

Peace can only come when your head and your heart come together, finally realising one is no good without the other.  The head realises that the heart is not the enemy, that it is not there to trap you in all kinds of hurtful situations and that it doesn’t have to fiercely protect the heart from pain. The head finally concedes that the heart has so much more wisdom than the head can ever hold.  The head has knowledge, but the heart, holds wisdom.  The heart already knows that nothing would get done if not for the head. The heart also knows what needs to be done in order to heal, and the head needs to learn to step out of the way.

Only when a truce is called between the head and the heart, and only then I believe, can you know real peace – a deep, unshakable, undeniable sense of profound peace.  

It is something worth striving for.

Peace:  It doesn’t mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work; it means to be in the midst of these things and still be calm in your heart. Unknown.

Old Celtic Blessing

May the blessing of light be on you - light without and light within.
May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great peat fire,
so that stranger and friend may come and warm himself at it.
And may light shine out of the two eyes of you,
like a candle set in the window of a house,
bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm.
And may the blessing of the rain be on you,
may it beat upon your Spirit and wash it fair and clean,
and leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines,
and sometimes a star.
And may the blessing of the earth be on you,
soft under your feet as you pass along the roads,
soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day;
and may it rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it.
May it rest so lightly over you that your soul may be out from under it quickly; up and off and on its way to God.
And now may the Lord bless you, and bless you kindly. Amen.

Scottish Blessing

Certainly not mine to carry

Quick, take the gun and hide it away in your cupboard... don't let your dad find it...came the desperate plea from my mom.

So I did that, I hid it away in the hope that he'd never find it.  He had tried to commit suicide by trying to shoot himself, the gun wasn't safe in his hands.  My responsibility was to ensure he didn't find that gun.

I'm sure there were other options like....oh.... perhaps getting rid of the gun... but we chose to hide it in my bedroom cupboard.  For months.

Holy crap what kind of responsibility is that for a fifteen year old?

In my mind I'm back in my room when my bedroom door opens and mom comes running frantically in, holding the gun out in front of her - I'm immediately feeling her pain and desperation.  She wants me to hide the gun. I muster the courage from within and in my mind I tell her no thank you, I do not want that gun in my cupboard and I calmly hand it back to her.  

I refuse to take on the responsibility of ensuring that my dad does not fulfill his wishes -  I'm a teenager for heavens sake.  I drop that responsibility. That is not my load to bear.  It never was. I'm not here on this earth to police anyone.  I'm not responsible for anyone. I don't need to be the strong one anymore.

I feel lighter as the burden slowly slips away.

At Seventeen by Janis Ian

Have you heard this song?.... At Seventeen.  So soothing in a way.

I'm sure many can relate, I certainly can.  What a turbulent time in a young girl's life. 

The insecurity, fear, no self confidence and uncertainty about who I was or should be, lacking the solid foundation of a stable family for support.  How was I ever meant to find out who I was if I didn't have a sturdy platform to start off with?  Always the new girl in town, always on the verge of friendship circles, never feeling 100% part of anything. The more I desperately tried to fit in, the more I felt like the outsider.  With an unhappy home life on top of this, no, I definitely do not want that time over again.  Such a young and tender age, so impressionable by life and what lies ahead, and the realisation that real life sometimes hurts too much to bear (or so it feels).

So easy to lose your footing, for me it was easier to be what other people wanted or expected me to be.  To disappear and blend in with the scenery. 

How much I've learnt and changed since then.  Such a different time, a different person it feels, yet still me.  

No, I wouldn't want to go back thank you very much!