This GAP

Engulfed by the silence.  It’s quiet.  So quiet it’s almost eerily quiet. 

What does this mean?  Is it good or bad?  What IS this feeling?  I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s not a dead feeling, but more like a “gap” feeling.  Something was there and now it’s not there.  I can’t call it at peace either because I’m not at peace with it.  My mind is all over the place, looking for reasons for this new, never felt before feeling… Is it because I don’t care anymore?  Can I still feel?  Is it because I have done something wrong?  Have I lost complete and utter touch with my emotions and feelings?  Will I EVER feel again?  What is it?  My mind runs around searching for reasons for this feeling.  There has got be a reason for this sense of calm that I’m feeling.

The old familiar anxiety ridden mind, searching constantly for reasons and explanations to everything in life, does not know how to cope with this.

I’m so acutely aware of the lack of anxiety I’m feeling about an upcoming very difficult period at work.  I’m sitting, in a tunnel, and can see the light of the approaching train and I couldn’t…. care… less…

I’m caught between waves on the ocean and the wave is about to crash over my head, I see it coming but… so…what…?

This feeling is unfamiliar.  I don’t know how to be if I’m not anxious. Since I’m not anxious, what do I do now?  I ask myself if I really don’t care – and it’s not that, I do care and don’t want things to fall off the cart… but I have this deep sense of knowing that if things do fall, I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces… and that will be fine too.

Unchartered territory for me. 

Like a storm that has passed, I can still hear the rolling of the thunder in the distance. As though I have been struck by the lightning, and a burning, cleansing white light has coursed through me.  Like the tears that have flowed from my eyes, the rain has poured down taking the debris with it.  The sun now shyly peaking out from behind the clouds, almost as if it is asking permission to come out from behind the clouds.  

 

The sun NEVER asks permission.

 

Confused, dazed, amazed, a little scared.  What lies ahead?  What will this space be filled with now?